Staying on Long Past Time

I'm in the dining room. There is a fire in the wood stove. The stove with the damper that never worked and the handles that were broken when we arrived. The brokedown stove that kept my children warm so many nights after wet snow storms when the northwest wind came in behind, frigid, dry, bitter, relentless. Exposed to the elements in a way that the mainland suburb that my Maine has turned into would never feel.

The kids are in Portland, not here. I am wrestling with whether to take up gear or keep hauling. Cold rough weather presses in, but there are lobsters at a sweet ass price.

Big D, Part 1 - the Rudolph Nose

The real question is whether, after falling in love with someone, what happens when you get to know them? When the love and lust goggles are on, we don't get a true understanding of who we're dealing with, and we might just spend the next 22 years trying to make something fit while the truth slowly pulls us apart like continental plates.What if when we get to know each other, we don't make each other stronger, we don't become more respectful and grateful, we are battered and eroded by challenges instead of made stronger? The more earnest we are, the harder we try, the worse it all gets. If you are a trusting, persistent, forgiving person, those very traits may only make a bad situation linger.

I could not be myself in my marriage. I had to guard against my nature and keep Me in check. If I did not, if I began to expand and feel at ease, big trouble would surely follow. I'm not talking about being me as in bad behavior like screwing around, using drugs, compulsive gambling, or anything else like that. Right there! I just fell into an old trap of comparing my true self to something bad. It is no accident. It is a conditioned response. It is a product of trying to keep the peace. It is the result of years of conflict, berating, ridicule, name-calling and other ineffective ways my partner tried to tell me how I should be. I think she was trying to tell herself we weren't a good match, but it was reflected outward at me. I believed it.

Now having been separated for 3 years I am slowly learning to be at ease in myself. There are, however, still countless times when I may be struggling or have some external setback and I'm instantly back in the cesspool of high volume contempt, ridicule, criticism and controlling behavior that defined so much of my marriage. It is a slow process to recognize and unwire those little bombs in the brain.

Now, I can be myself. In my work, at my home, with my children, in a partnership that every day gets stronger and more joyful. There's still lots of work to do, but at least the work is about being a better me instead of trying to be someone else, trying to wear the black Rudolph nose. I do not have to keep a lid on my nature in order to avoid interpersonal combat.

The divorce process has dragged on. On the eve of trial one year and one day ago, our counsel advised the court that a trial was not necessary because an agreement had been reached. The endless combat, dodging and weaseling have added an unnecessary year to the process. It is an extra year of limbo for the kids. It is an extra year chock full of reminders of my spouse's bottomless well of dissatisfaction with me; chock full of criticism for how I live and work; chock full of contempt.

I am starting not to believe in those demons. I like my nose the way it is.