Anyone who has been in the wrong relationship, particularly for decades, may hear something familiar. The negative messages, the ridicule, contempt can't help but sink in. If you care, if you give of yourself, if you keep trying and take it on yourself when things are difficult, you will start believing the bad things said about you and soaking in the bad atmosphere in the home. I certainly did. The trick is to un-hear, un-absorb, to un-believe the attack-ads played non-stop in the home. Easier said than done.
When my spouse and I were newlyweds, we went to Bath Cycle and Ski. I wanted us to have mountain bikes. I was not a securities lawyer. I represented poor people. I gravitated to the entry level Treks. When the salesman found out somehow that I am an attorney, he said something like "oh, you're an attorney, come over here, these are the lawyer bikes."
We got the cheap ones. They are both still running. I ran mine hard. On stream beds, logging roads, and trails, on the back streets of Augusta as an escape from cublicle land- I wound my way through the Augusta streets to get to the former mental hospital where I worked. The bikes migrated to the island and are still going today.
Jump forward 20 years from the remarks by the salesman. It comes up in one of the break-up arguments. "Remember the guy in the bike store? These aren't lawyer bikes. Here we are all these years later and it's still the same."
So I didn't buy the lawyer bikes and it is still a sore point. I've worked hard, been straight with people and not particularly financially successful. My bike is good and so am I. So is the one we bought for her.
I hope she gets her lawyer bike someday. I hope I stop feeling like a failure about stupid stuff someday.
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